...little star

I held a great grandmother in my arms last night. The strong, loving matriarch of a great family laid cozy in her flowery onesie. Beloved by her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, she yawned and curled her little fingers by her rosy cheeks. I felt this while looking down at my two week old daughter. I could see unborn future generations looking at me with concern in their eyes as their hopes rested gently in my arms. I could hear their thoughts—Take care of my momma! My Grandma! My Great Grandma!

The responsibility is enough to bring me to my knees— yet it gave me strength as my heart welled inside my chest. May you fulfill God's greatest hopes for you my dear sweet Stella Margaret.

Facing Demons

The demons have always knocked at my door. At all hours. Softly at first, then harder and more demanding. Since I was young I invited them in. At first only the polite "reasonable" sounding ones. I'd make a deal and they'd leave only to return a little sooner each time. Sometimes they'd return with friends, make an introduction, and I'd let them in too. They made clever arguments, inspired passion, pride, lust and anger. They told me that I was a good person and I wanted to believe it. I was being pragmatic, not evil! As time went on, more and more demons occupied my heart. Things got messy, anxious, ugly. But that wasn't my fault. I was a good person!

The revelation of my own wickedness was a shock to me, and impossible to ignore. That was about five years ago. It was the spark that lit a Christian fire in my heart. I needed Jesus. I cried for Jesus! But I didn't know how to be a Christian. I've never had a cigarette habit but I started in secret to send my prayers up to God through tobacco smoke, something I'd heard American Indians did that oddly felt right to me during this time. One by one my demons were revealed to me and I began the painful process of removing them and repairing what I could of the damage they did.

Five years later I have a beautiful wife and a growing family (two kids and counting), but the demons still knock and some of them I still let in. The difference (which was powerfully revealed to me) is that now when I let one in I am inviting them near my children. My demons are not my problem alone. They are not just trying to destroy me but use me to get into the world and destroy others. I am a doorway for them to sneak into God's creation and spread their poison. This is a burden I take seriously. I have to. And so I must remember that prayer makes me strong but when I fail, repentance will bring a glorious army of angels to bear on my enemies.

What is Faith?

I've been thinking about this great post from G of the Junior Ganymede blog:

"My personal definition of faith is taking what you used to know and acting as if it still held true even though you no longer have the same sense of knowing."

I loved this post for clarifying something that confuses the non faithful and the faithful alike. Faith is not, as some would think, a constant and unshakable 'sense of knowing' or belief. A 'sense of knowing' is necessary, but it precedes faith. And it's worth remembering that whatever sense of knowing you do attain can and WILL vanish, no matter how hard you pray, how strictly you fast, or how confident you are spiritually, intellectually or otherwise.

"In other words, faith is when you have had experiences in the past that made you feel great confidence in God, and you continue to act now as if you had confidence even though what you are actually feeling is fear, distress, and uncertainty."

This is well stated but begs the question: why defer to your previous Christ-believing self when you no longer feel that way? Isn't that disingenuous? This is why, as G points out, remembering is so important. Remember as best you can (more difficult than you might think) how you feel in those divinely inspired moments so that when you do choose faith (or disbelief), it’s not an arbitrary choice. Who will you follow in your darkest moments? I used to wrestle with doubts until I realized that I respect the man I am in those holy moment infinitely more than the cowering loser with anxiety that I am in my moments of doubt and fear. The choice is simple!

Comment: As for how to catch a glimpse of the divine, that is another topic for another day, (perhaps for someone else to write). The best I can suggest briefly is to seek God humbly and follow your heart. For me that is not an abstraction; I literally feel a welling in my heart.

Family, Sleep and Adventure in Heaven

Many Christians seem to dismiss the greatest aspects of our mortal life as only a temporary necessity—like rockets discarded in space after their task is complete, doomed to float in the void, turning slowly to dust.

Marriage and family? A temporary arrangement until we enter heaven and love everyone exactly the same. Sex? An earthly indulgence until we become heavenly eunuchs. Sleep? Just a requirement of our weak earthly bodies. Adventure? Courage? Well, who needs any of that in a peaceful paradise?

I believe this view of heaven is not only wrong but also discourages people from focusing on the eternal. I used to not think of it at all when I held some of these beliefs (acquired through osmosis). But it now seems apparent to me that these beautiful creations of God are not merely pragmatic necessities but the very things we must love if heaven is what we're after.

I don't believe marriage, sex and family is discarded in heaven but made greater, stronger and more loving. I don't believe sleep is tossed aside but more restful, with dreams more astonishing. I don't believe heaven will be a static environment of hand holding, unceasing prayer, or euphoria. And I don’t believe courage is simply a response to a fallen world. There is no creation without it. There must be endless adventure and bravery in the next life.

It is impossible to imagine the creator of the earth—with all of it's beasts and wildflowers—would create some sort of eternal worship service, opium den or happy-fun summer camp where no one sleeps. That sounds like a horror novel!

Surfing in Heaven

There are moment's in my life where I feel a sudden and incredible wave of energy—and 'wave' seems the appropriate word as I feel lifted before ultimately the energy dissipates. Small waves can be triggered by caffeine though they usually end unnaturally as my body feels compelled to move even after it's grown tired. The best waves arrive with no discernible causes. They can last minutes or even weeks where I feel energetic and inspired. During these moments I get the distinct impression that there is something terribly wrong with me the rest of the time, when I'm at 'sea level'.

As a productive, hard-working type—or so I like to think, anyway—I don't notice the fog of lethargy until I'm lifted above it. The whole world seems to be covered in it. Even the busier parts. Though I believe sleep will be a delightful and integral part of heaven, I also think the cloud of lethargy will be gone forever and we will be amazed that we ever accomplished anything at all.

Deeply rooted sin

When you remove a deeply rooted sin from your life, a sin shaped void is left in it's place. Leave the void empty and at an inevitable moment of weakness you will beg your sin to return to it's perfect place, even knowing it is wrong. Fill that void with enough goodness and even your most beloved sin will become unpalatable to you, finding no more vacancy in your heart.

Anti-Church

Imagine an anti-church. What would it look like? Skulls and devil horns on the wall? Pornography in the pews? Instead of holy communion maybe everyone gets in line for heroine injections? Loud pulsing music shaking the walls?

Church is a place to be reminded of God so that we may worship and align our hearts and minds with Him—thus, an anti-church would be a place to distract us and pull us away from God's presence so that we may worship anything BUT our loving creator in heaven.

The first paragraph describes something similar to a rave, which is certainly a sort of anti-church, but most people here and now, including non-Christians, would be repulsed by a rave. In fact, it would likely have the opposite of the desired effect. So maybe a rave would be one house of Satan but how does he reach the masses that are not yet so subverted?

I walked into one of these anti-churches recently. Instead of black walls with skulls it was illuminated a bright white, with pictures of smiling faces. Instead of heroine there were soft drinks and candy. Instead of pornography there were fashion magazines. Instead of loud pulsing music there was soft pulsing music. During my brief visit to a Target Superstore I almost forgot that God existed.